This is From The Balance Beam

[TheBalanceBeam] - Balancing Giving and Receiving

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THE BALANCE BEAM
Ideas and Inspiration for Creating a Life that Works
Vol. 1 No. 9 December 10, 1999
Published by Success Builders, Inc.
http://www.SuccessBuildersInc.com
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"He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened."
Lao-tzu

In this issue: BALANCING GIVING AND RECEIVING
====================================================================== Dear Friends,
This is the time of year that we all seem to feel busier than ever. It's also the time of year when we all seem to think more about what it means to be in a place of peace and serenity. In this issue of The Balance Beam, we take a look at one of the issues that comes up for many of us during the holiday season, the delicate balance of giving and receiving.

If you want to check out earlier editions of The Balance Beam that you may have missed, you can easily retrieve them by clicking on http://www.successbuildersinc.com/newsletter.html and going to the Archives section. If you are not yet a regular subscriber to The Balance Beam, you can also enter your subscription information at this location.
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Today's Topic: THE BALANCE OF GIVING AND RECEIVING

Many of us were raised with the notion that it's more blessed to give than to receive. If you want living proof of this, take a trip to your local mall this weekend and try to wedge in a space for yourself among the throngs of Christmas shoppers. What you'll see is the annual rush to find the "perfect" gift for family, friends and loved ones. What you might not see directly, but can easily surmise, are the mental calculations among the shoppers that relate to how much to spend on a gift, how big it should be, how many gifts for each person on the list, and so on.

Those unspoken conversations go something like this: "I've got to spend at least a hundred dollars on my brother's gifts, because if I don't, his wife will think I'm cheap." Or, "I can't just get Mom a sweater. It's so ordinary. She'll think I ran out and picked up the first thing I saw." Or, "I wish Cousin Diane would stop giving us fruit baskets every year, because it means one more gift that I have to go out and buy."

In many respects, our giving practices take on a life of their own, as we worry about how people will react to our gifts, whether they'll be perceived as "original" enough, whether the dollars involved will shake out with what they're giving us, and what all of this will say about our relationships. Whew! It's enough to make you tired just thinking about all the pitfalls involved!

We're no less encumbered when it comes to our practices surrounding receiving. We fret about offending someone when we consider exchanging a gift that doesn't match our style. We remind ourselves to make a fuss over the ceramic elephant planter Aunt Hilda gave us. We promise ourselves to get our thank-you notes out on time this year. We worry about getting more than our share.

Our anxieties surrounding giving and receiving are just as pronounced when we move into the intangible realm. There are entire courses devoted to the art of giving and receiving feedback, suggesting that loving and honest communication are rare commodities in an uptight world. Even simple compliments are problematic. We shy away from telling someone of the opposite sex at the office that they look nice, for fear that our remarks will be perceived as suggestive or unprofessional. Receiving compliments is just as awkward. I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines from the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," when Jimmy Stewart tells the character Violet that he likes her dress. She responds, with mock humility, "Why, this old thing? I only wear it when I don't care how I look!"

It seems to me that we overcomplicate the business of giving and receiving. When you think about it, the give and take pattern is very much the natural order of life. Every time we breathe, we take in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. This exchange is essential to our survival as well as that of the plants and animals in our world. The food chain is another example of the exquisite balance of giving and receiving in nature. All around us, we're surrounded by demonstrations of the natural cycle of giving and receiving.

So what is it that makes the very basic art of giving and receiving so challenging for us? One factor probably has to do with the tension between a scarcity and an abundance mentality, which, getting back to the holiday gift giving scenario, is so prevalent at this time of year. On the one hand, we're surrounded by the spirit of the season and its generosity; on the other, we're silently doing an accounting of our credit card balances while we shop, and worrying about how we're going to pay the bill when it comes in the mail.

Another factor has to do with what I would describe as a "calculated reciprocity" issue. That is, we get so caught up in worrying about making sure that what we give and receive works out just right, that gift giving becomes more of a chore than a joy.

A third factor that contributes to the difficulties surrounding giving and receiving has to do with the material nature of our society, that places so much emphasis on the gift itself, rather than the thought behind it.

So how can we preserve our serenity and peace during this special season and resist getting caught up in the "gifting frenzy?" Here are five coaching tips to help you keep your perspective:

1. Give from your heart, not just your pocketbook. Find non-material ways to give to the people who matter to you – a listening ear, a gentle touch, simple companionship. Offer a single mom a night out while you watch her kids; spend some time reading to an elderly relative who is house-bound.

2. Don't compromise your financial integrity. It's hard to feel good about gift giving when you know that the bills that come in after the holidays are going to strap you financially. Give within your means, and resist the need to try to match someone else's spending habits.

3. Create non-gift traditions to share with loved ones in honor of the holidays. Cook a special meal together. Rent your favorite holiday videos and serve hot cocoa and sugar cookies. Drive to the mountains with your favorite carols playing on the car stereo, and then hike through the woods till your cheeks are rosy.

4. Give to those you don't know, without expectation. Drop your spare change in the bell-ringer's bucket. Find an angel tree and "adopt" a child to buy gifts for. Serve meals at a soup kitchen. Put your love and abundance out into the universe, and it will come back to you.

5. Receive gifts from others with a sense of grace and gratitude, rather than a feeling of indebtedness. Resist the tendency to rush to find an unlabeled gift when someone brings you a loaf of home-baked bread. Allow them the full pleasure of giving, and receive with love in kind.
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Words to live by: "You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet