This is From The Balance Beam

[TheBalanceBeam] - Balancing Your Need for Control

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THE BALANCE BEAM
Ideas and Inspiration for Creating a Life that Works
Vol. 2 No. 3 February 4, 2000
Published by Success Builders, Inc.
http://www.SuccessBuildersInc.com
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"He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened."
Lao-tzu
In this issue: BALANCING YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL
====================================================================== Dear Friends,
In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm writing this issue of The Balance Beam straight from the heart. Balancing the need to control is one of my challenges in life, and I can't think of a better month than February to address it. I'm sharing it with you in the spirit of building more effective relationships with those important others in your life. Enjoy!

If you want to check out earlier editions of The Balance Beam that you may have missed, you can easily retrieve them by clicking on http://www.successbuildersinc.com/newsletter.html and going to the Archives section. If you are not yet a regular subscriber to The Balance Beam, you can also enter your subscription information at this location.
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Today's Topic: BALANCING YOUR NEED FOR CONTROL

Let me begin this column with a true confession: I am a recovering control freak. There. It's a freeing feeling to simply put that out on the table (although I suspect it comes as no surprise to those who know me well). I'm also willing to acknowledge that the extent to which the adjective "recovering" really applies depends on what day it is and on what's going on in my life. What's more, I know I have a lot of company out there.

Last weekend was a perfect opportunity to observe how people handle issues of control. The first real winter weather of the season packed a wallop up and down the US eastern seaboard. Traffic ground to a halt, schools were closed, and the stores ran out of milk and bread. It was a blessed break in the action for those who didn't have obligations to be somewhere, for those who willingly cancelled plans, and for thousands of schoolchildren who basked in the freedom of it all.

But for some people, this weather event was a major source of stress and frustration, all stemming from the fact that there simply wasn't anything that they could do about it. The six o'clock news did a story on stranded travelers at a major airport. When they turned the camera on one man that they interviewed, you could literally see the steam coming out of his ears. He minced no words in telling the reporter that he was angry, put-out, and more than a little miffed at the whole situation. Who was he mad at? The airport authorities? The weatherman? The snow gods?

The truth of the matter is, he wasn't mad at anyone in particular. What had his blood boiling was the fact that he had no control over the situation, and his only choice was to simply wait for things to change. For a control freak, this is like Chinese water torture. He was not a happy camper.

The issue of control, or more specifically, our need for control, is a complicated factor that shows up in our work, our relationships, and the quality of our lives. There's no doubt that controlling types have historically had the ability to get the job done. Because they value results and tend to be task-oriented, they have a tremendous capacity to produce and deliver, and they take this responsibility seriously. In fact, the motto of controllers might well be, "If you want it done right, do it yourself."

Unfortunately, while being control-oriented is often a strength, as with any other strength overused, it can become a weakness. In their efforts to achieve their goals, controllers often wind up steam-rolling people in the process. When this happens inside of an organization, the result can be poor morale, high turnover, and ironically, diminished productivity. When it happens inside of a family, it can show up as hurt feelings, blocked communication and damaged relationships.

Perhaps more significant is the fact that as our world becomes increasingly complex and interdependent, control-oriented behavior simply doesn't work as well as it might have at one point in time. The ability to sustain effective performance requires multiple perspectives, shared resources, and more information than any of us can access on our own. The organizational trend away from traditional command-and-control management toward team-based and shared leadership models bears this out.

So what does all this mean if you're one of those people for whom the need to control is simply part of your make-up, a component in your genetic fabric?

In their book, "The Corporate Mystic," Gay Hendricks and Kate Ludeman suggest this exercise: Imagine that you have two boxes. You've labeled the first box, "Things over which I have absolutely no control," and the second box "Things over which I DO have control." Your challenge is to assign all the elements of life to the correct box and then focus all of your attention on the second box. As the authors point out, it's amazing how much winds up in the first box, and how much larger it gets the more you think about it. Among the things you can't control are anything that has already happened and the feelings and actions of other people. Now, consider how much time you spend worrying about these things. Kind of makes you stop and think.

So how about some other tips for dealing with that lurking control-freak inside? Try these on for size:

1. Get a handle on the distinction between control and influence. Because we all have powerful beliefs, values and convictions, we have the potential to be a positive influence on the many circumstances and people we come in contact with. But if step number 1 is taking a stand for what you believe in, then step number 2 is letting go and acknowledging that what is most important is to honor your own truth, not to force outcome on others.
2. Give up your need to be right. I know, this is a tough one, especially when you find yourself in situations where you really do have the expertise and background to know what will work and what won't. But remember that it's very possible to win the battle and yet lose the war. If you succeed in convincing others that you're right, what have you really accomplished?
3. Understand the difference between "what" and "how". This one is critical for you managers out there. You may be accountable for producing certain results, but determining how that happens is often best left to the people on your team. Not only will it develop their skills and abilities, but their proximity to the "front line" may produce strategies that will accomplish your objectives more effectively.
4. Remember that the opposite of exercising control is developing trust. This is the ability to face a situation, give it your best shot, and then let it go. It's called faith, and it's perhaps the best cure for a case of too much control.

Coaching Tip: Overusing control tendencies can be a career stopper and a relationship buster. It's also a very insidious trait that shows up even as we approach situations with the best of intentions. A personal coach can help you tame the control monster and preserve your relationships while still achieving results. Did you know that coaching is as close as your telephone? Check it out at http://www.successbuildersinc.com/ServicesIndividuals.html.
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Words to live by: "It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
- John Wooden