This is From The Balance Beam

[TheBalanceBeam] - Giving and Receiving

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THE BALANCE BEAM
Ideas and Inspiration for Creating a Life that Works
Vol. 2 No. 24, December 7, 2000
Published by Success Builders, Inc.
http://www.SuccessBuildersInc.com
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"He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened."
Lao-tzu
In this issue: GIVING AND RECEIVING
====================================================================== Dear Friends:
As we enter the countdown to the holidays and the time of year that tests our ability to stay balanced and sane, I'm opting to practice a little self care by re-running a Balance Beam from this time last year. Many of you have subscribed since that time, so this will be a first-read for you. For those who have been with me over a year, sit back, grab your popcorn, and enjoy this rerun on Balancing Giving and Receiving!

If you want to check out earlier editions of The Balance Beam that
you may have missed, you can easily retrieve them by clicking on
http://www.successbuildersinc.com/newsletter.html and going to the Archives section. If you are not yet a regular
subscriber to The Balance Beam, you can also enter your subscription information
at this location.
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Today's Topic: THE BALANCE OF GIVING AND RECEIVING

Many of us were raised with the notion that it's more blessed to give
than to receive. If you want living proof of this, take a trip to your
local mall this weekend and try to wedge in a space for yourself among the
throngs of Christmas shoppers. What you'll see is the annual rush to find the
"perfect" gift for family, friends and loved ones. What you might not see
directly, but can easily surmise, are the mental calculations among the
shoppers that relate to how much to spend on a gift, how big it should be, how
many gifts for each person on the list, and so on.

Those unspoken conversations go something like this: "I've got to
spend at least a hundred dollars on my brother's gifts, because if I don't,
his wife will think I'm cheap." Or, "I can't just get Mom a sweater. It's
so ordinary. She'll think I ran out and picked up the first thing I
saw." Or, "I wish Cousin Diane would stop giving us fruit baskets every
year, because it means one more gift that I have to go out and buy."

In many respects, our giving practices take on a life of their own,
as we worry about how people will react to our gifts, whether they'll be
perceived as "original" enough, whether the dollars involved will shake out
with what they're giving us, and what all of this will say about our
relationships. Whew! It's enough to make you tired just thinking about all the
pitfalls involved!

We're no less encumbered when it comes to our practices surrounding
receiving. We fret about offending someone when we consider exchanging a gift
that doesn't match our style. We remind ourselves to make a fuss over the
ceramic elephant planter Aunt Hilda gave us. We promise ourselves to get our
thank-you notes out on time this year. We worry about getting more than our
share.

Our anxieties surrounding giving and receiving are just as pronounced
when we move into the intangible realm. There are entire courses devoted
to the art of giving and receiving feedback, suggesting that loving and
honest communication are rare commodities in an uptight world. Even simple
compliments are problematic. We shy away from telling someone of the opposite sex
at the office that they look nice, for fear that our remarks will be
perceived as suggestive or unprofessional. Receiving compliments is just as
awkward. I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines from the movie, "It's a
Wonderful Life," when Jimmy Stewart tells the character Violet that he likes
her dress. She responds, with mock humility, "Why, this old thing? I only
wear it when I don't care how I look!"

It seems to me that we overcomplicate the business of giving and
receiving. When you think about it, the give and take pattern is very much the
natural order of life. Every time we breathe, we take in oxygen and exhale
carbon dioxide. This exchange is essential to our survival as well as that
of the plants and animals in our world. The food chain is another
example of the exquisite balance of giving and receiving in nature. All
around us, we're surrounded by demonstrations of the natural cycle of giving
and receiving.

So what is it that makes the very basic art of giving and receiving
so challenging for us? One factor probably has to do with the tension
between a scarcity and an abundance mentality, which, getting back to the
holiday gift giving scenario, is so prevalent at this time of year. On the
one hand, we're surrounded by the spirit of the season and its
generosity; on the other, we're silently doing an accounting of our credit card
balances while we shop, and worrying about how we're going to pay the bill
when it comes in the mail.

Another factor has to do with what I would describe as a "calculated
reciprocity" issue. That is, we get so caught up in worrying about making sure
that what we give and receive works out just right, that gift giving
becomes more of a chore than a joy.

A third factor that contributes to the difficulties surrounding
giving and receiving has to do with the material nature of our society, that
places so much emphasis on the gift itself, rather than the thought behind
it.

So how can we preserve our serenity and peace during this special
season and resist getting caught up in the "gifting frenzy?" Here are five
coaching tips to help you keep your perspective:

1. Give from your heart, not just your pocketbook. Find non-material
ways to give to the people who matter to you - a listening ear, a gentle
touch, simple companionship. Offer a single mom a night out while you watch
her kids; spend some time reading to an elderly relative who is
house-bound.

2. Don't compromise your financial integrity. It's hard to feel good
about gift giving when you know that the bills that come in after the
holidays are going to strap you financially. Give within your means, and
resist the need to try to match someone else's spending habits.

3. Create non-gift traditions to share with loved ones in honor of
the holidays. Cook a special meal together. Rent your favorite holiday
videos and serve hot cocoa and sugar cookies. Drive to the mountains with
your favorite carols playing on the car stereo, and then hike through the
woods till your cheeks are rosy.

4. Give to those you don't know, without expectation. Drop your spare
change in the bell-ringer's bucket. Find an angel tree and "adopt" a child
to buy gifts for. Serve meals at a soup kitchen. Put your love and
abundance out into the universe, and it will come back to you.

5. Receive gifts from others with a sense of grace and gratitude,
rather than a feeling of indebtedness. Resist the tendency to rush to find
an unlabeled gift when someone brings you a loaf of home-baked bread.
Allow them the full pleasure of giving, and receive with love in kind.
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Words to live by: "You give but little when you give of your
possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give."
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet