This is From The Balance Beam

[TheBalanceBeam] - Caught Up in the Struggle

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THE BALANCE BEAM
Ideas and Inspiration for Creating a Life that Works
Vol. 3 No. 11, October 5, 2002
Published by Success Builders, Inc.
http://www.SuccessBuildersInc.com
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"He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened."
Lao-tzu
In this issue: CAUGHT UP IN THE STRUGGLE
====================================================================== Dear Friends:
Do you have any work relationships that are draining the life out of you? You know the ones I mean - regardless of the issue, there's always a tension, a strain a frustration that colors your interaction. This issue of The Balance Beam takes a look at what it means to be caught up in the struggle - and how to step away from it.

If you are interested in reading earlier editions of The Balance Beam, you can easily retrieve them by clicking on http://www.successbuildersinc.com/newsletter.html and going to the Archives section. If you are not yet a regular subscriber to The Balance Beam, you can also enter your subscription information at this location.
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Today's Topic: CAUGHT UP IN THE STRUGGLE

One of the pesky little realities of work life is that somewhere along the line, most of us have the opportunity to work for someone that we don't like, don't respect, or simply don't see eye to eye with. It's the old oil and water thing - two people who just don't mix. And all the stirring and whisking in the world won't change that.

If you drill down, it's often pretty easy to figure out what's at the root of one of these conflict-with-the-boss scenarios. Sometimes it's simply a clash of personality styles. He's a driver and you're more systematic and methodical. Or she's the analytical type and you simply want to get it done and move on to the next challenge. While it's often true that different styles can complement one another in getting the job done, they can also drive each other crazy along the way.

Differences in values and preferences can also set the stage for conflict. One of you is motivated by creativity and the opportunity to put a new spin on things. The other is geared toward stability and security, with a reluctance around rocking the boat. Or perhaps it's a difference in time frame orientation. You're the strategic type and you want to focus on long-term staff development and positioning. The boss can't see beyond the next thirty days, and is pressuring you for short-term results.

Regardless of where the conflict stems from, the experience of it is often the same. In any given day, you walk away from conversations shaking your head and wondering why the boss can't seem to "get it." Despite your best intentions to be collaborative and professional, in your mind's eye, you've labeled this person a tyrant, a wimp, or some other pejorative term that you would never think to say out loud. Go on, admit it. We've all been there.

Fortunately, common sense prevails, and you keep your uncensored thoughts to yourself. You take deep breaths with this person, choose your words carefully and painstakingly in a futile attempt to help them understand your point, stew silently about their inability to do so, and go home and rattle on and on to your spouse about this jerk that you work for. And when all else fails, you try to arrange your travel schedule so as to minimize the close encounters that made you crazy in the first place.

You're caught up in the struggle.

Struggling is a fascinating phenomenon. It's a dynamic that develops a life of its own, and often leads people to move far beyond the conflicts or the differences of opinion that spawned it at the beginning. When two people are caught up in a struggle, there's a "dance" that gets created between them, one where they match each other's steps but they don't get anywhere in the process.

I'm currently working with a couple of clients who are in the midst of this type of struggle. While there are all kinds of real and perceived issues to be resolved between them and their respective bosses, what's most pronounced about these situations is that they are both locked into coping patterns that resemble a point-counterpoint model. When they describe their typical conversations and methods of approach with these individuals I get a visual impression of a tug-of-war. It feels like two people, one on each end of a rope, pulling as hard as they can, with heels dug in, and no real movement in any direction. The opportunities for change and breakthrough thinking get lost in the dynamic of the struggle, which consumes huge energy while preserving the status quo when it comes to the relationship.

People often land in struggle situations as a result of some very positive attributes. They are typically passionate, determined, persistent, and extremely goal-directed. The problem is, these positive qualities can also make it difficult for them to consider other sides of a situation and recognize opportunities for productive negotiation. In many complex business situations today, the best solution to a problem frequently reflects a novel alternative that lies beneath the surface of what's apparent. And the folks with the creative energies to discover it are often too caught up in the dynamics of a relationship struggle to see the possibilities.

Albert Einstein said that "Insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." And yet so often, people who are locked in a struggle with one another, whether it derives from personality clashes, issues of power and control or differing agendas, will replicate the same patterns of interaction every time they connect. They lament "He just knows how to push my buttons," or "She never hears anything I have to say." And the dance continues, two-stepping around the floor, going nowhere.

There's a lot to be learned about redirecting relationship struggles from the martial arts. These philosophies emphasize the importance of being grounded and centered in yourself as a basis for action, vs. simply reacting to your "opponent's" maneuvers. From this perspective it then becomes possible to neutralize the other person's use of force through a give-and-take and interplay of movements. It's a posture that emphasizes balancing energies instead of becoming locked in combat.

So consider the relationships you're involved in that may feel like you're caught up in a struggle. Step back from the issues du jour and name the dynamic that keeps showing up over and over again. How could you reframe the conversation, create an opening for both of you to be right, to envision possibilities that capture the best of everyone's wisdom, to reroute that energy away from the dance and into productive problem solving?

When the relationship feels like a tug-of-war, remember the best alternative may be to pause, take a deep breath, and drop the rope.
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Words to live by:
"The one who struggles with himself first is the wisest, for once he has struggled with himself, which is the most difficult struggle, the others will become easy for him."
- Hazrat Pir-o-Murshid Inayat Khan (founder of the Sufi Order International)

"The easiest kind of relationship is with ten thousand people, the hardest is with one."
- Joan Baez

"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands."
- Alexandria Penney